Nipple Pads & Pacifiers

What a week! Between getting our floors installed and settled back in, herding cats at work, a baby who wakes you up kicking at 3, 4, 5 and 6 am, and multiple trips to Babies R Us (Target, Crate and Barrel, Walmart) Gregory and I are absolutely pooped! And we are proud to announce we still have not purchased a crib; between the selection, price and ordering we hit a wall. I absolutely refuse to buy a crib and nursery set that will cost more than a bike frame. Which, by the way, I think I am entitled to after this pregnancy ordeal; if I have to wear maxi pads for 6 weeks and have milk-firing boobs (which, need their own pads) after “getting” this child out, then I deserve a bike frame.

Good news is that our new floors look great! We are so pleased with them (pictures to come soon). I even got a new and improved “business corner” of the apartment where I will work from. The fun part here is that we had found a perfect desk/shelving system at Crate and Barrel last week, but were really struggling with the price. We were on our way to cave in and order the darn thing when a trip to target saved us! It saved us a lot of $$$! Gregory and I had decided to check out good old Target after a trip to Babies R Us had us thinking that purchasing a nursery set was like taking out a second mortgage. We were on our way to research more cribs when we were sidetracked by our desk/storage system for ½ the price. In to the cart it went! We did not make it to the baby section….

Fast forward to today. Enticed by the “Baby Shower Day” at Babies R Us that was promising good advice on your registry/necessities and giveaways, Gregory and I decided to return to start our registry and look at cribs (again!). I envisioned lots of happy pregnant women with cupcakes and juice mingling in an informal lecture setting with lots of people who knew what was going on. Not to mention I was excited to use a “gun” to scan all the things I wanted to put into the registry. So, I put on my nice “elastic fat pants” and a new top from target that looked summery and nice (it beats the usual sweat pants and ball cap look); I was ready to experience my first “baby shower.”

What I envisioned was a far cry from what I got. Babies R Us on a Saturday is hell; add a false advertisement to a tired, hormonal pregnant woman and you get a really, really, really pissed Chewy (and entertainment from Gregory’s perspective). First sign that this was not at all what I expected included the small table at the front of the store with a few samples on “display” and no one manning the table. I was thinking “where are the pastel balloons, cupcakes and smiling pregnant women”….instead there were endless screaming children, yelling parents and overtired staff walking around in purple shirts that were nauseating to look at. Hmmmmm..I was not sure what to do, where is all this helpful information to help us out on our registry? Perhaps at the registry desk; yes, that must be it, there are goodie bags behind the desk and helpful people there. So Gregory and I go to the registry desk to get started.

A nice lady with a smile asked if she could help us. I told her I was here for the baby shower and she told me it was on the other side of the store, but if I needed to start a registry, she could do that for me. Oh great, yes please! Finally someone helpful….and then she said one of the worst things to an almost 5/1/2 month pregnant women who has been constantly explaining to people that she is not fat, she is pregnant! This staffer told me next time to bring my child in because they have a “kid friendly” room in the back…yes, that is right folks, I was mistaken for a person who had already given birth! As to why the hell I would be starting a registry after giving birth, I have no idea, but for some reason, this “helpful” person in puke purple thought I had just popped a kid out. Gregory was practically swallowing his laughter; you could see it written all over his face. That was the tipping point. I told the lady to “give me the gun” and “thanks for the advice”…off I went scanning, with no list of what I needed…and I started in the worst possible section of that store; I can’t even tell you what the section name is because I was stunned by the all the nipple pads, nipple cream and pacifiers available…

Then Joelle called and Gregory was busy and I was left to my own device. A gun and nipple pads, item #1 check! Actually, make it 2 of those, and what bottles, we need some of those…oh and yes, they need to be sterilized, check…oh, what a cute bib, check…the bath tub, I like the green one with frogs, check, nipple cream, check, a boppie…don’t know what the hell that does, but check..how about a monitor? Yes, we need that, check…wow, that one was expensive, lets put another less-expensive one on, check, nipple pads, check, check, check…diapers…check…this stroller looks cool, check, sanitizing wipes, you can never have enough of those, check….oh and baby oil…PAUSE…

Joelle uses Johnson & Johnson baby oil to massage her clients. “Hey Gregory!!” …he gets off the phone for a moment “What’s up hon.” Me: “does Joelle need more massage oIl?”….everyone around me looking at me funny as to why I am referring to baby oil as massage oil; really folks, I don’t make this stuff up.

I continue checking….swaddling blankets, why not? Check, more blankets, check, cool bags to carry diapers in, check, bassinet, let’s take 2 of those, check, another stuffed toy, ok, check, oh cool, look, it’s big bird and cookie monster, check, check….

At this point in time, I have made it half way around the store to realize I have been deceived! There is no “baby shower”. Just screaming kids, overcrowded isles and no damn cupcakes! The baby shower was that little desk at the front of the store. I have already made it ½ way through and figure, why give up now, so I keep adding to the registry….pacifier pouch, check, burp blankets, check, more cream, check, more pads, check, formula, check…and then I had to stop….we were at the breast pump section..NO, that is not going on my registry, NOPE, NO, NOPE…that I will get in private without broadcasting the brand, cost or contour to anyone else. Move on…..rockers…um ok, check….then Gregory get’s off the phone and I am pissed because I have done all the work with no cupcakes feeling like a lard arss because no one thinks I am pregnant. You know the kid who sticks out at school? That is how I feel at babies R Us! I try to show off my nice “bump” but it just does not compare to some of the basketballs other ladies are carrying around…I am just not “fitting in” literally.

Gregory starts laughing at me. I tell him he is a jerk and not helping. He laughs more. We are almost done and I need to eat. We browse through cribs again…and no check. I go to hand in my gun. Thank God it is not the same staff that I started with. She prints out my registry which is 16 pages long and hands me a goody bag. I ask where the baby shower is. She points to the table at the front that I initially suspected. A lady approaches me from the table with another goody bag and a piece of paper to fill out for a “draw prize”. Which, happens to include nipple pads…oh joy.

I feel like telling her next time Babies R Us wants to false advertise, they could at least supply some sort of cupcake, chocolate or sugar for those cranky women like me. But, then I kept my mouth shut because she probably thought my “bump” was fat from eating too much…

We leave the store…without a crib, and then I look in the goodie bag. There are coupons; like when you spend $200 you get 25 cents off. There are also diapers; the diapers are for 3 year olds! This is a FRIGGING BABY SHOWER FOR EXPECTING MOMS!! We are not popping out 3 year olds! Next time try newborn diapers!!….I proceeded to put them on our little girl’s stuffed toys as practice when we got home. I also got a chocolate bar….