The birth canal not taken...

Happy Bastille Day!!

It is the French Independence day and I had a little talk with Emma this morning. I told her that her dad would be very, very happy if she could arrive today. It would make remembering her birthday so much easier!!

Well, it has been another fun filled week and of course we could not miss our regular trip to the ER. Yes, you heard me correct, I was back in the hospital again. I am SO looking forward to spending a few days there in the nice rooms with schwag accommodations that I get a little bit “over-excited” or shall I say, my uterus gets a bit “over-excited.”

It is becoming more and more apparent that I am the “exception” when it comes to normal pregnancy. Last week on Wednesday I had my check-up with no progress in terms of dilation but still contractions. The doctor was not worried and just told me to call when they become a regular 5 minutes apart and stronger with backache.

So, Saturday, I noticed the contractions picking up. I actually thought “this is it”…then after 5 hours…they tapered off. Another false alarm....yet, that is pretty normal these days, so I was not the least concerned. I am convinced I will have the strongest abdominal muscles when this is all over!

Sunday we were scheduled to go watch our neighbor Tom and Super God Mamma race the Boulder Peak triathlon. Menvielles were to depart at 5:50 am to get to the race site.

I was in bed by 10 pm on Saturday and ready to get my “cheer” on the next morning. Emma was ready to get her cheer on at 11:45 pm. Yup, I woke up with the worst back ache ever and some pretty strong contractions with my daughter throwing fits because she was being “squished.” Images of those movie scenes where the woman taps her husband and says “it’s time” flashed through my head. But, Gregory was snoring and I figured I would see how things progressed…1 ½ hours later things were still going on, 5 minutes apart. I thought it might be time to wake the snoring oblivious husband, who proceeded to wake up and think it was time to go to a triathlon.

Me (tapping Gregory): “Time to wake up”

Gregory (groggy and scratching eyes):” Let’s get our cheer on!!”

Me: “Hon, its 1 am and I think I am in labor”

Gregory:”You mean it’s not time to go to the triathlon?”

Me:” No, I am having contractions!”

Gregory:” Are you ok? What do you think we should do?”

Then I started having flashbacks to the 6 am wake-up call about when I broke the news to Gregory that I was pregnant…sighed and decided to call the doctor.

Doctor said it was time to come in sooner than later since things should really start rolling soon.

Great!! Baby Emma is on the way. What do new “parents to be do in the middle of the night when they are told to come into the hospital within 15 minutes?” Well, if you are my husband, you shave and shower so you can look nice for the camera and daughter. If you are me, you shower and shave your legs because you don’t know when the next time you can do that will be. Imagine shaving legs with contractions at 1:30 am…enough said.

2 am we are at the hospital and I am hooked up to the monitors. My contractions are exactly 5 minutes apart and 50-60% in intensity. The fun thing with the labor and delivery ward is that there are computer screens where you can watch everyone else’s contractions. The lady next door was going contraction on contraction with me. I was SO excited when the nurse came in and told me that the neighbor was 5 cm dilated and on her way.

Me:”That means Emma’s on her way!”

Nurse:”Let’s check how dilated you are now”

Me: “Oh, I hope I am more than 5cm”

Nurse (checking…I will spare you details): “Ummmm”

Me: “What? Am I further along??”

Nurse: “Well…”

Me: “What”

Nurse: “Your cervix is still posterior, you are still 1 cm and 50% effaced. So, nothing is happening”

Me:” What the hell!!!!”

Nurse:”You could just be in VERY early labor…we will monitor you for a while and then check again. Cervixes can be tricky, sometimes they take a while to POP”

Me:”My cervix will POP?”

Nurse:” Everyone is different”

Me (desperation in my voice):”How do I make my cervix POP?”

……Long story shorter…turns out that I am one of those “Exceptions” yet again….The doctor finally made it in to give me the scoop.

My body technically shows every sign of labor and is contracting regularly but no progress is being made. So, since I am a few days short of 37 weeks, they will not do anything. Turns out that this can go on for hours, days, weeks…and all they can do Is give me ambien to sleep. Great, just what I need, more drugs, more waiting and more contractions. I am the queen of false labor…I am in Hell…

AND, even though these contractions are uncomfortable and painful, I MUST wait until I am ready to claw my eyeballs out to come back into the hospital. If I make it to 39 weeks they will induce…I feel that there might be a bit of negotiating going on at my next appointment. Let’s not kid ourselves; I have been having contractions for almost 5 weeks now. Even the most patient person (which is NOT me) would be a bit frustrated. I will not go into the details of how I am scheming to get this child out, nor what I have asked Gregory to do in order to aid me. Let’s just say that there is a reason in every pregnancy book they tell you not to try and check your own cervix and why people in my state are not allowed near sharp objects. Gregory has also taken the truck away from me and forced me to stay at home in air-conditioning. He has not tied me up yet since I am writing this, but he has threatened to take away my gummi bears and gelato if I don’t behave.

I have a feeling this is not going to turn out well.

Scenario (Erin is actually in labor)

Erin: It hurts!

Doctor: You are 9 cm!!

Erin: I want my epidural!!

Doctor: It’s too late

Erin: You are SH*&TING me!! This is your entire fault!! You told me to come in when I was ready to claw my eyeballs out. Now I can’t have my drugs

Gregory slips me the flask of gin when the doctor is not looking….

Yes, I actually fear I might miss the epidural window, but hell, I am the “Exception” and as long as Emma comes out (sooner than later please!) the better.

Ok, enough about drugs and giving birth. I was discharged at 5:30 am with some Ambien and regular contractions that were going nowhere. Instead of going home and doing what the doctors told me, I gave them the proverbial “screw it” got a coffee and headed off to the triathlon with Gregory. We had a great morning spectating!

Laura is a fish! now, how the heck she can run like this after swimming is beyond me! Emma is learning to swim from Laura.

Crusing along on the run course. It was only a mild 1oo degrees out!

Happy neighbor Tom!

Tom is REALLY good at transitions! All joking aside, congrats on an awesome swim and great race Tom!!

Made it home a bit after noon and slept for a few hours and have been contracting ever since. Still trying to work a bit, but mostly killing time crocheting, figuring out ways to induce labor and stuffing my face with “healthy foods” (see below)

Our good friend Dondi was kind enough to pay a visit last night to check in to see how Gregory and I were doing. Well, mostly to see how I was doing. She brought me gelato and mini-cookies AND tells me I look beautiful. Hence, she is my new best friend and I allow her to drink alcohol in front of me and I restrain from drooling. In all honesty, Dondi has been great! She always checks in on me and reads my blog AND tells me I am funny. She even has a few labor-inducing suggestions!

Note: the cookies are mini; hence you can have more of them. They also have oats, so they are healthy!

Maybe labor is like a race? Perhaps I should “visualize” my water breaking…however, with my luck I would probably end up peeing myself instead.

Sigh….

On to more crocheting and knitting….